


did you ever hear a robin weep?

by ThatWeirdGuyInTheBushes



Series: your city gave me asthma [2]
Category: Original Work
Genre: Angst, Depression, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, POV Second Person, Platonic Cuddling, Suicide Attempt, Touch-Starved, Trans Male Character, although its not really mentioned in this one, im touch starved thats literally all this is, non binary character, vent - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-13
Updated: 2020-10-13
Packaged: 2021-03-07 23:54:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 832
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26996254
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ThatWeirdGuyInTheBushes/pseuds/ThatWeirdGuyInTheBushes
Summary: You don't know when you realized that you were hungry in a different way. In the way that wasn’t like the typical way, where the hunger started in your stomach and could be sated by food. You don’t know when you realized that you were hungry for touch.But you can’t remember the last time you weren’t.-Whenever they hug you, you come back to life.
Series: your city gave me asthma [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1970317
Comments: 5
Kudos: 9





	did you ever hear a robin weep?

**Author's Note:**

> im sad and i want hugs leave me alone
> 
> the title is from I'm so lonesome i could cry by the mountain goats

You don't know when you realized that you were hungry in a different way. In the way that wasn’t like the typical way, where the hunger started in your stomach and could be sated by food. You don’t know when you realized that you were hungry for touch.

But you can’t remember the last time you weren’t.

You didn’t hug people when you were younger. You thought you didn’t like hugs, even as your skin ached. You didn’t realize for so long that you just didn’t like certain peoples hugs (Your mothers, who made you angry and bubbling, and your stepfathers, which made you want to crawl into a hole and die before you spoke again).

Shyanne hugs you one day, and you almost cry. Your skin feels like the spurs of an electric toothbrush, vibrating and spinning and scraping, and your ribcage is full of bumblebees. Your throat quivers and you grip her so tight that you're scared you might hurt her (and you don’t know why you wouldn’t hurt her, why your touch wouldn’t set her on fire, because you hurt everything, don’t you?).

You don’t think she notices.

You still remember Chiaki hugging you, gripping your sweater as you shook and sobbed and buried your snot-nosed face in her hoodie. Your mother didn’t hug you. Your little brother didn’t hug you and your stepdad didn’t hug you and your grandma would sit across the hospital room and glare and mock and she wouldn’t hug you but Chiaki would. You dug your nails into her shoulders, you think. And hours ago you were so certain but you're lost with someone to hold you. What do you do now?

You hugged Ollie when you dated but it doesn’t feel like it counts. Because you always just  _ did it  _ and you didn’t think about it and knowing what you know now, you feel mad at yourself. You probably ended up hurting them too, in that glorious way you hurt everything (Burning and burning and you hurt your little brother you stupid piece of shit and if you don’t get out of here you're gonna hurt them too). But you remember the first real-time they hugged you. You like to joke about their height but they’re not much smaller than you, and hugging them was a weird and amazing thing that took your breath away. Their hair is nice and soft and their arms are really warm and your skin is all buzzing and shit and you kind of want to freeze time so you can carve out a whole home here because you never want to stop feeling another person on your skin for as long as you live. And even with how much you like their hugs, you think holding their hand felt better. That felt like something real.

But they let go, and its over, and your skin is already cold.

Cinque doesn’t hug you much, but his hugs are strong. One of your arms around his waist, one of his around your shoulders. They’re nice hugs, and they remind you in this weird, distant way, of your dads. Maybe that’s just you having limited experience and thinking that every strong hug is like your dads, but you can’t help the comparison. You don’t hug him much, but sometimes you think that you should. In his quieter moments, he feels like a person who’d need it.

Star was in a similar boat to you. You can’t remember a time he hugged you before this year, even though you’ve known him longer than anyone else. But he’s even clingier than you are, now that he knows he wants it. Mostly with Shyanne. But you put your arm around him and things feel right, feel settled, feel put together like a missing puzzle piece, clicking into just the right spot.

You think about Shyanne too much, but you have a lot to say on her. You lay awake at night and feel her head against your chest, touching your throat, and you feel her hand in yours, and you feel her legs beneath your head as you fall asleep with her fingers in your hair. And that feels glorious, that feels like home. And it was so nice and now it's so fucking empty, so aching, so numb and cold and gone.

And you can’t wait to hug them again, but for now, your skin is buzzing. You are so lucky that they are okay with hugging a fire because you're sure you would have gone out years ago if they weren’t. You’re pathetic, for that, but you’re a little okay with being pathetic if it means that someone will hug you tight enough to bruise. That’s what home feels like, really. And that’s a little fucked up and a little sad but you're okay with being fucked up and sad because there are still people who like you like that.

“You give nice hugs,” she tells you, and your hands shake.

**Author's Note:**

> comment to fuel my power


End file.
